• Jill Reed, Ph.D.

Anybody Else Feeling the Weight of the Room?

Updated: Oct 23, 2020

Have you ever woken up at 4:00am from a dream about home searching that involved organic gardening, your kids, some kids from your kindergarten class asking for your autograph, your ex-husband (who is still a drunk), and mountain vistas? Just me, huh? 


It’s been building for about a week or two. I am coming off the nerve pain drug I’ve been taking since November and I feel fine, but since it was a large factor in helping me sleep soundly, I’m not sleeping as much as I had been. Additionally, my dreams are wack.


The closing on the sale of our farm and home for the last 15 years is Monday, so I’m blaming the return of all my anxiety manifestations on that tremendous sense of loss looming in the background.



It’s been a heavy week. I found myself lying around looking at tiktok and checking twitter far more often than I care to admit. I’ve no idea how many hours I’ve wasted this week.


Sure, I’ve gotten up, made coffee, emptied the dishwasher, taken the dogs for a walk on the beach, worked out, and prepped meals every single day. But, my brain feels mushy and sad.


I am not processing the news well at all, so most days I ignore it. Instead I consume content like documentaries about surfing, the royal family, and adventures in sailboats. I highly recommend The Gypsies on Amazon Prime. I’ve also watched old episodes of Modern Family, Friends, and Alias. 

I

’ve turned my passion for perusing oceanfront property into a new venture, so I’m kind of working on that, but my website building capabilities are so crap that I get stuck more often than I care to admit. I have a very contentious relationship with wordpress.  


There are currently no less than five document tabs open in various stages of composing or editing – a short story I can’t decide how to publish, a piece on my experience in white privilege (super cautious with that one), a blog post on how to blast out of your funk (should take that advice I guess), an email marketing newsletter for a client, and whatever this rant is.


Only one of these will make any income so I think you can guess which one takes precedence. 


My kids…I played tennis with my boys this morning. Just so you know, I will continue to get on the court with them every week, but it must be said, it feels like I’m pulling teeth every time. We hit for six minutes and they need water. I now allow them to alternate breaks because their breaks often last ten minutes. I just keep at it and they, God love them, keep coming with me.

Their end of school this week was anticlimactic and somewhat sad because it was compounded by the knowledge that they will be attending a different school next year. The watered down curriculum at their current school is barely on par with a public school in a bad district back in the states. That wasn’t good enough for us there. Why would it be good enough here? 


I helped another parent run yearbooks around for signatures. It’s definitely not the typical end of the year celebration. We are hopeful to kick off summer with a trip south to stay in a friend’s home overlooking Marino Ballena National Park in Uvita. But, honestly, I’d kill for a state’s trip right now just to make a Target/Costco run. 


The kids need clothes and books and we all need shoes, especially running gear for me. In the meantime I will settle for Pricesmart’s grand opening in Liberia next week. Pricesmart is Costa Rica’s version of Costco, but they surely do not carry Hoka’s. 


I am purposefully steering clear of writing about how I feel looking back at the states from the relative quiet and safety of Costa Rica. I am optimistic about the wave of change that is possible, but I am deeply troubled by the resistance to change that lies beneath, the dangerous festering hole we have exposed with the light. 


I’ll post more on that later.

I write all of this to say, “Anyone else out there feeling the heaviness of the room right now?” 


I sure am. And my belly would like for me to stop eating and drinking my feelings. How about yours? 


I’m going to work on taking one moment at a time making a short task list each day. For instance, I called and scheduled dental cleanings for the whole family yesterday, which reminded me that I also need to hire a Spanish tutor for myself.

 

But, I still need to publish that website, finish that privilege piece, edit the short story, work on client projects, sign up for surf lessons


#procrastination #dogs #anxiety #kids #costarica #beach #writerlife

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